REALITY and PERCEPTION
Suddenly my body started conveying an unquestionable message of hunger as in "Look, that's beautiful and all but you really need to eat right now!" Not with words but a kind of undeniable knowing/feeling. At this point I opened my eyes.
Although the lighting was minimal the walls and the objects around me, including my body, were flashing bright, vibrating, and undulating. Moving felt extremely pleasurable and I was two feet off the ground. And suddenly I saw the house plants, moving, vibrating, ALIVE and AWARE of my presence. This made me blissful and I realized there is a very big difference between the intellectual knowledge (i.e. of plants being alive) and the actual underlying subjective understanding of their aliveness. Generalizing, all the knowledge in the whole world, all the books, written and spoken information is just junk compared to the direct experience itself. I went immediately to a kind of balcony and looked at the trees. They also were subtly moving, “alive-ing” and actually communicating with each other. I waved hello. They waved back in their own way and they seemed happy that I was actually understanding them.
Back and try to eat some fruits. This is where shit gets really interesting. The perfection of the apple that I was holding in my hand made me understand that through the fact that I was perceiving it, I was actually bringing it into being. The moment I took a bite, a tremendous fear engulfed me. And a brief thought went by as fast as light “Aw shit, I’m dieing!” But there was too late to do anything about it, I've already done it. The whole sensorium of hearing the crackling of the apple, the taste, the smell, the holding, the sight, they all sinestesicaly combined and I WAS THE FUCKING APPLE! There was no me, just a process of "apple-ing". I actually had no idea. After this, I also have the memory of eating a few other fruits. But (and this is a profound “but”) it's not really "my" memory. It's not as if I ate the fruits. The fruit's had been eaten.
After this I regained my "sense of self" but this sense of self was still kind of separate, as if I was something else that was experiencing the self. And the self was pretty damn mad at the fact that it just *wasn't* a few moments’ back. It was like an old uptight professor who is mad at "his" students for their being happy. And this other expansive I-existence and the Blue-Purple dragon were like two children in a classroom trying as hard as they could not to look at each other because they new that they would burst into laughing at a most inappropriate time if they did. And they did look at each other and LOL’d at each other for no reason al all and "the self" was gone again.
I turned off the light and sat down back in the lotus position on the couch trying to meditate. Which was impossible? There was no way I could calm the mind. It created hundreds if not thousands of alien sceneries passing by very fast in sharpness and detail that one doesn’t has access to in ordinary reality. I perceived other planets, beautiful technologically advanced cities, alien worlds, weird natural formations, I’ve seen creation of stars, planets, galaxies, clusters and even bigger kind of formations which I have no idea what they were and don't even dare to speculate. After a while this got kind a boring and opened my eyes again. Apart from the tripiness of it all around me, guess what was on the table in front of me glowing with a white, light blue tinted aura? The "Noble Eightfold Path" ring that I got from China. It has inscribed on it the eight Buddhist symbols and as far as I know it belonged to a Buddhist monk from Tibet. The weird thing is not that it was glowing. It was also communicating to me, not with language, but with a direct form of communication, and what it was repeating is "ask the questions! Ask the questions!"
I put it on my finger and suddenly "the thousand petal lotus" bloomed under me. It was not made of matter as a normal lotus is made of. It was pure energy of all known colours, and colours I haven’t seen before, wonderfully woven and throbbing with the fabric of space-time itself. I realized that the meditation position I was in, was totally wrong. There was no way the different parts of the body could be at peace with each other because they were hurting one another by being twisted in fucked up and uncomfortable ways. So, I started rearranging everything guided by the feelings I got from very slight and subtle repositioning. It took an eternity to finish this to the point where everything was in complete cooperation, but unlike the previous part with the visuals it didn't have boring because as I was progressing I was feeling deeper and deeper relaxation and blissfulness. When I was done, the whole chakra system just lit up. There was no "one, then the other". They activated, (though activated wouldn’t be accurate enough; they are there at all times whether we acknowledge it or not) all at once releasing and at the same time gathering immense quantities of energy and the reality ripped apart. There was only a multidimensional field of consciousness, the fundamental building block, creation and love itself producing the world moment by moment. Past and future do not exist. All there is, is here and now.
Slowly I got grounded again and on the coming down part of the trip I experienced tons of feelings in chaotic randomness and fast succession of the full spectrum. From raging fury, hopeless jealousy, utter loneliness, pure horror to absolute love, total happiness, compassion, centeredness often accompanied and most probably triggered by visuals. Though it might have been the other way around just al well.
Note: Thinking about it now, I don’t recall horniness being part of the emotional spectrum. It’s more like a command.
Now, another subtly interesting aspect of this is the fact that I was detached from the emotions. This could be interpreted as god just as it could be interpreted as bad also, depending on the emotion. For example, feeling the horror and at the same time being dissociated from it is quite ok. But feeling the love while still being dissociated from it is not an immersing enough experience…
Perception is *the* active process of creation that brings into being everything we think we passively perceive. I experienced not being one with everything or interconnected with everything. I "was" fucking everything! All there is, is me and I am all there is. The I in me is the same as the I in you or the it in plants, animals and objects. There is no front without the back, no foreground without the background; no light without dark no outside with ought the inside. At his fundamental level not even nothingness exists and at the same time everything exists. This is the eternal now. Again, I can't stress this enough, the intellectual knowledge of this kind of existence has noting to do with the existence itself. It is part of it though, but it cannot express it jus as language can't really express it either. Basically there is no final attainment, no final stopping place; the enlightenment business is not really what I thought it is because it just IS. The whole existence is enlightened in its totality. If that makes any sense... Being everything there is, it can express itself in every form. And it does. It does that because being just the big ONE gets boring eventually and it creates separateness so it can, from time to time, go back to that basic unity. Just as there is no male with ought female, no good with ought evil, no sacred with ought the profane; there is no ONEness without the separateness. And then OW LOOK ! CHOCOLATE! and beautiful GIRLS! and LOVE! and MOUNTAINS! and AND!"
George, please, introduce me to…
Dar… nu mai e nevoie…strâng hârtia în pumn şi o arunc in iarbă. În soarele Himalaian am realizat dintr-o dată cât sunt de singur.
Călăuza mea nu s-a mai întors, iar eu a trebuit să mă las dus de o voce albă care mi spuse fără cuvinte. Eşti din viitor nu-i aşa? Te-ai întors sa te reconfirmăm. Spiritul la voi a devenit o schemă. Ai făcut un efort foarte mare, sa reînveţi să fii. Acum întorcea-te!
Nu ştiu dacă Sir George a primit scrisoarea mea ca să o propună fundaţiei, pentru bani necesari altei calatorii în descoperirea umanului, dar eu nu mai vreau să mă întorc la Fundaţie. Acum călătoresc pe Lotus, Vehiculul Universal.
© Copyright Maria Popescu-Butucea
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